my heart grows heavier from even the first goodbyes

after moving out of evergreen and returning to the community i've been with for these past three and a half months, it feels as if a week of goodbyes has begun. it feels even more extended then an "irish goodbye" with my family, haha..

i do not want it to end. as i walk around auroville i finally feel that this place is a home of sorts for me. i cannot fully explain the feeling, but i suppose it has to do with finally making connections to people and experiences here and beginning to find my "niche(s)" after months of thinking aurovillians are impossible to crack/get to know a bit more.

just as the door to the amazing green belt in auroville was opened, it feels like it has been closed again very quickly. i am trying to think of it as an open situation- that maybe these aren't final "goodbyes", but it is getting difficult. as i say goodbye to people who have been apart of my growing to love this place, my heart grows very heavy. when i walked to college guest house from evergreen last night, i got this knot in my stomache. i could not mentally process why it was happening, i only recognized the physical reaction in myself. that is when i realized that coming back to college guest house for the last week of this program is just overwhelming. i am fighting to keep myself in the present to enjoy my final days here.

tonight we are having a HUGE celebration with all of our mentors and people we have befriended here. part of me does not want to go because i do not want to experience a huge "goodbye for a long time" type ceremony. i want to leave and say "see you later auroville" because i feel i will be back at some point and it is just too hard to say goodbye to an experience that i will carry in my heart forever right now. i am going to try my hardest to stay positive and make it a "see you in the near future" dinner. it is called a "final ceremony", but it is far from final in my mind.

with that said, i can't believe i'm turning 21 on wednesday. that's so unreal. i plan on going to the beach and then celebrating over "dranks" with people in the community later on. beyond that plan, who knows what will ensue. oh jeez.

this will probably be my last entry before leaving. i am flying into boston on the 21st, then driving down to new jersey on the 23rd. from there i am heading up to montreal for new years. then vermont to find an apartment. then massachusetts to get my "stuff". then back to the green mountains in time for classes in mid-january.

some highlights of this past week:
the traditional indian music concert on saturday night.
watching "mindwalk" (a film) with the people at evergreen.
successfully shoo-ing the rats out of my capsule/room.
climbing the huge windmill at solitude farm.
talking honestly with natasha, amir, and tamar about my frustrations with the deep ecology workshop.
watching steven and lowell make a knife from a car spring using old-school blacksmith techniques.
going swimming at night during the full moon.
going in the ocean at mamallapuram (spelling?) and seeing the temple ruins.
reading "the power of now" out loud to each other at night before we went to bed at evergreen.
celebrating deepam with subash's family by lighting candles and eating dinner at their store.

auroville is a place where philosophy is small talk, forests are as important as farms, and sustainable ideas are just beginning to take root. i feel very grounded here and wish to carry that feeling with me wherever i go from now on.