"if you don't know who fred astaire is there's no way we can play this version of trivial pursuit..."

i'm not in india anymore.

india felt far away as soon as i heard my meal options on the airplane. the german stewardess asked "chicken or beef?". even the bread had sausage baked into it. i ate dinner rolls.

as of today, i have been back in the U.S. for three months. massachusetts then new jersey then vermont then montreal then massachusetts then back to vermont. now here i am in burlington again. working at a wonderful conservation nursery, living in a great apartment, barely making it to classes (as usual), trying to figure out where to go from here.

it was so much easier in auroville to see all the learning opportunities that lay right in front of me. i have to work much harder to find them here.

my heart grows heavier from even the first goodbyes

after moving out of evergreen and returning to the community i've been with for these past three and a half months, it feels as if a week of goodbyes has begun. it feels even more extended then an "irish goodbye" with my family, haha..

i do not want it to end. as i walk around auroville i finally feel that this place is a home of sorts for me. i cannot fully explain the feeling, but i suppose it has to do with finally making connections to people and experiences here and beginning to find my "niche(s)" after months of thinking aurovillians are impossible to crack/get to know a bit more.

just as the door to the amazing green belt in auroville was opened, it feels like it has been closed again very quickly. i am trying to think of it as an open situation- that maybe these aren't final "goodbyes", but it is getting difficult. as i say goodbye to people who have been apart of my growing to love this place, my heart grows very heavy. when i walked to college guest house from evergreen last night, i got this knot in my stomache. i could not mentally process why it was happening, i only recognized the physical reaction in myself. that is when i realized that coming back to college guest house for the last week of this program is just overwhelming. i am fighting to keep myself in the present to enjoy my final days here.

tonight we are having a HUGE celebration with all of our mentors and people we have befriended here. part of me does not want to go because i do not want to experience a huge "goodbye for a long time" type ceremony. i want to leave and say "see you later auroville" because i feel i will be back at some point and it is just too hard to say goodbye to an experience that i will carry in my heart forever right now. i am going to try my hardest to stay positive and make it a "see you in the near future" dinner. it is called a "final ceremony", but it is far from final in my mind.

with that said, i can't believe i'm turning 21 on wednesday. that's so unreal. i plan on going to the beach and then celebrating over "dranks" with people in the community later on. beyond that plan, who knows what will ensue. oh jeez.

this will probably be my last entry before leaving. i am flying into boston on the 21st, then driving down to new jersey on the 23rd. from there i am heading up to montreal for new years. then vermont to find an apartment. then massachusetts to get my "stuff". then back to the green mountains in time for classes in mid-january.

some highlights of this past week:
the traditional indian music concert on saturday night.
watching "mindwalk" (a film) with the people at evergreen.
successfully shoo-ing the rats out of my capsule/room.
climbing the huge windmill at solitude farm.
talking honestly with natasha, amir, and tamar about my frustrations with the deep ecology workshop.
watching steven and lowell make a knife from a car spring using old-school blacksmith techniques.
going swimming at night during the full moon.
going in the ocean at mamallapuram (spelling?) and seeing the temple ruins.
reading "the power of now" out loud to each other at night before we went to bed at evergreen.
celebrating deepam with subash's family by lighting candles and eating dinner at their store.

auroville is a place where philosophy is small talk, forests are as important as farms, and sustainable ideas are just beginning to take root. i feel very grounded here and wish to carry that feeling with me wherever i go from now on.

"i'm not hugging a tree. you can't make me."

evergreen forest is the best place i've been to in auroville. hands down. and now i get to live there for another week... hell yeah!

and it's not because i have a pimped out capsule on stilts with completely open walls made only of screens (which usually makes getting dressed in the morning rather difficult actually..). and it's not because it houses the world's most amazing bathroom outdoor bathroom. and it's not because it's a beautiful forest just on the outskirts of auroville. and it's not even because the entire place is run on solar power and windmills for water pumps.

it's because of the people at evergreen.
they are some of the most open-minded, giving people i have ever met. my excitement about these people might seem diluted since i have described countless things on this trip AMAZING.. but, for real, these people are AMAZING.

evergreen is forest community that several israeli and english (and possibly other) families call home. there is dave and natasha, amir and tamar, matilde and marc, and shoshana and damien. not to mention matthies, the german civil servant who sleeps above the community kitchen. all are down to talk about anything my heart desires. everyday we talk about everything from french health magazines to what mainstream media feeds our generation in the U.S. vs. Germany. they are all very unique. especially the kids. zozo is about 4 i would say and can build a better bonfire than most people my age. he also runs around the forest naked calling people "asshole" and herding the dogs. mayan is about the same age and can carry on a legit conversation with both 40 year old Tamil men and all of the girls staying. his favorite phrase is "NO WAYYY", which he says with a distinctly euro/indian accent blend that kids pick up in auroville. zia and jasmine are sisters (about 6 and 8 years old) and are two of the sweetest little girls in the world. where they live would have been my paradise as a kid i think. just acres upon acres of forest and countless muddy puddles to play in. they all bring a lot of life to the community.

there are six other girls staying with me in the community. crystal and mayana, two people i have become closer to in the community) live in the treehouse, danielle and laura live in "the boathouse" (a large hut high up on stilts by the back of the forest), laura who has her own hut above the office, and alicia, who is my roommate in the treehouse. all of them are sooooo chill. we've all cooked together, done yoga together in the morning, and worked together in the forest with only minor quarrels popping up.

this past weekend we took part in the community's "convergence workshop". saturday was basically a philosophy camp with dave. we talked about jung's archetypes, des cartes' destructiveness, and environmental ethics in society. sunday was a bit more out there. i mean no disrespect, but i'm not so into hugging trees and doing evolutionary dances as a workshop. we did what is called "the council of all beings", which was created by joanna macy (an american activist/teacher) and some other people. personally, i did not feel it necessary to be told to hug/molest a tree. again, i mean no disrespect because i can see how that works for some people, but i feel like i do not need to do that to appreciate the wonder of that forest. i wake up every single morning in awe of the beautiful cashew trees and other plants around me. i don't think i'm being too cynical or not being open to the process- i think it just isn't my cup of tea. i tried and stuck with it because i truly respect the people who live at evergreen, and indeed i did get things out of the workshop, but a lot of the time i found myself getting frustrated with the process.

this coming weekend we will be taking part in the "systems thinking workshop". my hopes for this workshop is that we will engage in more constructive discussions. i do not want to read and chant for a list of endangered species or speak/represent an aspect of the earth/all living beings in a discussion group anymore. i don't care if it sounds arrogant, but i've been through those emotions before and i'm sure the people at these workshops have as well. i don't need to go through them again in a forced setting. i want to talk about moving forward. i want to talk about positivity amongst all the environmental destruction! that's why we are all here- to move past all the negativity and get down to the real work!

so through all this frustration, i still find evergreen to be a magical place. it's a place where ideas and environmental philosophies count as small talk and community dinners at everyone's amazing houses are a must. so far we've made hummus, veragu veggie stir fries, fruit salads, and other amazing dishes and have been served amazing vegan pea soup, tahini and honey pancakes, and banana, raisin, and chocolate vegan cake by others in the community. my body, mind, and spirit all feel very at home.

p.s. i hope everyone wished Dad a very happy birthday!

how culturally inappropriate would it be to watch "superbad" on the train in front of this muslim family?

hampi is without a doubt a place to mark on your "places i need to see before i kick the bucket" list.

hampi is covering with mountains/hills that are composed of large boulders that look like they are about to fall off and end it all for you, but they actually have just been chillin' there for thousands of years. the boulders are supposedly some of the oldest exposed surfaces on the EARTH. one of the first things we saw when we stepped foot off our tiny motorboat, which took us to our island, was a bunch of guys with long-ass dreads and bouldering pads.

our guest house was filled with israeli, austrian, english, german, and many other tourists of countless nationalties. it was basically a back-packers paradise. the dining areas were open-air rooms with mattresses and pillows on the floor and low-lying tables to eat off of while you lounged on your mattress and watched the sun set behind the mountains and palm trees around you. not to mention the israelis and austrians would pass bongs around the tables before breakfast and dinner. they even passed them to our teachers (who look like they could be our age), who waved them off as some of the girls made puppy dog eyes at them, lips quivering and all.

at the houses around the guest houses people throw little get-togethers wherever there are ovens to make pizza and stoves to brew tea. people sell beer and pizzas out of their houses to make money and just lounge around. i spent one night at a spot across from our guest house and as we sat around by candlelight, people gathered with their drums and guitars for some jam sessions. it was probably the first time i got to hang out with people just my age and talk to others traveling around india. everyone was eager to share their stories and it was cool how people from england, israel, and also northern india found their way to hampi. one israeli guy sold remote control helicopters and other random toys in a mall in maryland during the christmas season for about a month or two and saved more than enough money to travel around india for like.. a year.

after soaking up the excitement of the social scene, i then went to the ecodaya wildlife sanctuary island. our group of 12 started out after breakfast on our third day in hampi, hiking about half an hour and crossing a river in a boat that looked like a giant, circular basket until we reached the main building run by a german guy named horst and his brother, uli (spelling?). the first thing we did was climb up a mountain of boulders to catch a nice, all-encompassing view of the island and form a better map in our minds of where everything was located. after climbing up and jumping between boulders that made some girls cry they were so high up, we reached the top and at that point i think the risks became worth it to all of us. it was so beautiful i started crying. i can safely say that it was probably the most beautiful place i've ever laid eyes on. all around us were huge boulder mountain ridges and you could see the city of hampi's main temple towering over the more developed part of the town. i just stood there, tearing up and trying to take in every little gorgeous detail of the rocks and trees that made the island so magnificent. i felt overwhelmed once again by india's beauty.

then we chose our caves. mine was called sunset cave and was on a separate ridge than a lot of the others.

that night i got sick with a stomach ache and a fever. i woke up and was totally dismayed at first. there i was on the first day of my solo and i was feeling like shit. after an hour of feeling bad for myself i downed some painkiller/fever reducers and made the hike back to the island. that night after eating a last meal of fruit salad we all set out for our caves, the sun setting as we made our mosquito net and straw mat beds. the first thing i did was place seashells in front of my cave- for some reason it was comforting to have them "guarding" the entrance to my cave, which felt so foreign to me.

the first night i woke up to monkeys running at my mosquito net. at first i was scared in the nearly pitch black darkness- what does one do when monkeys run up to their mosquito net and try to figure out what the hell is sleeping in their caves? after quickly convincing myself that monkeys are small and that i'd only ever seen them eating bananas and their own shit, i calmed down, made a raucous/some noise, and eventually they lost interest in me. i found some comfort in gazing up through the gaps in boulders above me, through which i could see the dark blue night sky and the bright little stars. after scaring off the monkeys and star gazing, i slept surprisingly well under that large boulder.

the next day i barely left the area in front of my cave. i watched the white clouds drift across the sky and imagined all the people i missed where looking up at the same sky. i sat on rocks that i thought represented different people in my life and thought about how much i appreciated each person. chris' rock was a medium sized one by the tree in front of my cave, mom's was a little ways out by the ravine, and dad's was by the edge of my cave's little "courtyard". i made little rock circles, watched the birds and lizards wander around, practiced chants i'd learned in auroville, and thought about stupid things and surprisingly significant things all day long. my mind was all over the place. at the end of the day i climbed up some boulders and watched the sunset on top of my cave. after the orange and pink faded out of the sky and the sun was completely swallowed up by the mountains in front of me, i made a small fire with twigs and grasses i had gathered earlier. then i slept through most of my last night in the cave- waking up to the occasional crash of thunder or wave of chills rushing over my body. in the morning i burned my last stick of incense in front of my cave, packed up my sweaty t-shirts and other essentials, lingered to watch the sun grow a bit higher in the sky, and then made my way back down the mountain. the first people i saw were alyssa and laura. they both were sitting on the covered rooftop of the island's one common space/building and we exchanged giant smiles of relief and happiness at seeing another human being!

the rest of my time at hampi was spent recounting more of my experiences with sheep herders, curious looking bugs, and dealing with being all alone during my solo and talking more with the people back at our guest house. even though almost everyone (save two people), including me, got terribly sick in hampi (the rivers are some of the most polluted in india apparently) i still look back at that time fondly. with that said, i think the couple of girls who are now covered in full body rashes may think differently. all in all, the island was beautiful, but dangerous.

i've been back in auroville for the past six days now and things are a bit of a mess here. a cyclone hit this week and tore down about twenty huge trees at our guest house. one smashed through our bathroom, tearing down the new walls, and another demolished the flimsy hut behind our library. luckily the storm has passed, no one was hurt, and the owners of our guest house are getting help cleaning the place up. for the next couple of weeks i'll be staying at evergreen- which is a community i don't actually know much about. mayana, crystal, and i, along with four girls from the other u.s. living routes group, will be helping with the deep ecology workshops and enjoying what auroville's "green belt" has to offer. solar power, wind-powered water pump, and more intense communal living- here i come!

some other things i've learned while traveling:
watching "superbad" on your teacher's laptop on an indian train is awkward and probably culturally inappropriate in most cases.
packaged "pineapple" flavored cookies in india are radioactive green colored and do not sit well on an empty stomach.
monks that live in huts on the top of holy mountains are quite hospitable. chai and bananas are to be expected.
if an indian women sits on your bed on a train in the middle of the night while you are sleeping to wait for the next stop- it's perfectly acceptable. move over. a little to left please.
the guy screaming through the aisles on the train is trying to sell you chai- don't be alarmed, even though it's like.. 6 A.M.
there aren't many american tourists in india.
most people think coffee only comes in a package labeled "nestle instant coffee".

i still feel like i haven't even scratched the surface of the what india has to offer. and neither have the backpackers who have been traveling around here for years. there is always something surprising around the corner- like a cyclone that takes out the power and water for several days or a huge community of hippies in the middle of nowhere. there is always a lot of hidden beauty to dig out amongst the sketchy shop owners and waste-filled roads (and i say that with a lot of respect for india).

but i miss the u.s. more and more! i can't wait to be back for the holidays!

i'm writing tonight on the night before our community leaves for hampi. it's 11 pm and i can't even imagine falling asleep in the near future- too much caffeine and anticipation has built up in my system for that. tonight we ventured to bangalore, a MASSIVE and chaotic city in the state of karnataka. at the end of the night i found myself sipping a diet coke (i never crave soda at home, but here i have started to for some reason), downing a cappuccino, and then eating a scoop of ice cream. with the trip to the wilderness of india on my mind, i felt the need to indulge in food delicacies i probably wouldn't get a hold of again for a while. this also includes pickles. and soft sub rolls. my dinner consisted of straight up caffeine and sugar and now i'm wired.

right now we are at fireflies ashram, about 20 km from bangalore. fireflies is an ashram run by a teddy bear of a man named siddhartha, who is one of the warmest, gentlest people i have had the pleasure of meeting. the ashram is non-secular and encourages only one guru- the earth. there is only one temple/shrine-like area on the property and it is of sita, who is one of the forms of the goddess, AKA lakshmi. she is regarded as the daughter of mother earth and is celebrated here for her earthiness. the ashram land is adorned with countless statues carved on-site by locals and residents of the ashram. there is one large carving of shiva with a plant shaped as his trident (earthy take on shiva), one with a beautiful rumi(a sufi poet) quote, and another half-finished one of gandhi.

it is here that i have played countless rounds of games like phase ten (last night's game was intense- someone almost got stabbed with a pencil and everyone apparently heard us yelling/goading each other on) and scrabble, raided siddhartha's library of obscure and indian literary gems (i'm reading about 1. predicting weather and 2. the teachings of don juan), practiced yoga on the rooftops of several buildings, learned the best bollywood movie dance moves, ate wonder bread and black tea for breakfast, and led (with the help of alyssa and nealy) a full moon ceremony. under the light of the full moon and some small candles on thursday night we gathered around sita's statue to talk about the lunar cycles, vision quests in hampi, and labyrinths as metaphors for sorting out issues in our lives. alyssa drew a giant, tree-shaped labyrinth in chalk on the floor, nealy talked about hindu and pagan lunar cycles and symbols, and i explained the importance of vision quests (a tradition in some native american cultures, like the lakotas) and led a guided meditation. i wasn't really sure it went well- people were quiet a lot of the time and my voice shook sometimes as i read the meditation scipt aloud, but everyone seemed appreciative in the end. siddhartha patted me on the back and thanked me and smiles flashed over the faces of several of those quiet people in the circle. in the end it seemed like it was a successful first attempt at a full moon celebration.

besides this, i guess it was KIND OF fun to climb a mountain in tiru. actually... it kicked ass. it took us about five hours in total to climb mount arunachala, which is believed to be the body of shiva. we vowed on the way up to remain silent for the entire ascent, which worked well for the first half... until i irreverently broke my vow when we reached the steepest, rockiest part of the ascent. i wiped the sweat from my face and let out a string of exhausted curses. from then on i had to talk to those climbing with me for some support, because that dash up the moment was quite breathtaking in more than one sense. it felt soooo good to reach the top though. i still felt it was worth it even after the scorching hot sunshine that zapped the energy out of me during the descent.

as i sit here i am having trouble recounting what has gone on over the past couple of weeks. we leave this place of relaxation and idealism tomorrow to go to the place i have anxiously awaited the most. hampi sits on a golden pedestal surrounded by kittens and warm mugs of dark roast coffee in my mind. some part of me keeps thinking, "what if it isn't all that great?" this part is about the size of my left big toe, but it's still there and my body becomes aware of its function from time to time. i realize this discomfort is healthy, but it's hard because i just want to get moving when i feel this way- and i know i have a long day of travel ahead of me. tomorrow we'll be traveling overnight by train, riding in motorboats across a river, and then hiking out with very little materials to an island. we will stay on that island for a week, during which we will do our solo. i can't wait to get there. the larger part of me knows i will glow with excitement once i finally reach the place i've been dreaming of for months now.

this party will either be fun or... REALLY fun.

at about 10:00 AM, indian time, our community all heard the news. i was sitting in the dining area, munching on a late breakfast of muesli and yogurt and asking the girls with laptops for the electoral counts, when i was shocked awake by an ecstatic scream from the library:
"OBAMA WON!!!!"

we all ran to the library to find Michelle, Cassie, Nealy, Jenny, Alyssa, and others huddled around a laptop, watching the grainy live CNN.com news feed. as the announcer declared Obama as the official (sort of projected..) winner, tears of joy welled up in my sleepy eyes. i looked up at Cassie and Michelle and they were teary as well- then we all broke into full blown tears, smiling and cheering all the while. it's not as if I didn't have a TON of faith in Obama being victorious today- because i almost didn't even question it- it was just an overwhelmingly joyous feeling as CNN scanned the various parties going on all over the world. yhey showed people just like us raising up their victorious arms and letting out whole-hearted screams of relief. it felt so good. the tension surrounding the seven continents just seemed to burst and dissipate.

the announcer, before introducing McCain, then said, "everyone will surely remember where they were on this historic moment." we all looked at each other and laughed, joking about sending a live feed to CNN showing the celebration that was happening in southern india. eight American girls, one Austrian man, one Dutch guy, and two Indians were crying, smiling, cheering, and dancing for Barack Obama. so good. who knows what we can go after January 20th, right? i'm staying hopeful.

in other news, i have been trying to get to Bangalore a day early to see Infected Mushroom, an Israeli trance group. despite presenting several travel options to my mentors- the plan has been officially nixed by Living Routes. i am frustrated and disappointed with the program, to be honest. if the plan doesn't interfere with my academics (it'd be on the day we're leaving for thiruvanamalai anyway) and i can even travel with Living Routes faculty to Bangalore, i am not sure why it has not been approved still. i understand that (under the rules in the handbook) since i cannot find a "mentor"/chaperone to come with me, a 20-year old adult, to the concert itself, i am being told by the faculty and my teachers that i cannot go. i get that, but i still don't know why that is required in every instance.

the impression i have gathered is that Living Routes is worried about several more people coming with me and how if any of them party/drink at the show it might tarnish their reputation. first of all, that's not what we are going for (i want to go to see an amazing band that i love) and, second of all, even if some people did want to go with me who chose to do that- that is their choice and we should have that freedom anyway. I do not respect the decision the faculty came to (although i am not holding it against my teachers here- i am not going to create tension within the community) and am not at peace with losing this amazing opportunity to travel "independently" even for one @#*! day. don't think i am letting this affect my excitement for traveling- i'm not, after all there are so many amazing things still going on here in the program. it is just the feeling of being a liability that frustrates me. i do not understand how that can be so. especially when the program even states in the handbook: " [we] cannot monitor or control all the daily personal decisions, choices, and activities of individual participants". it feels like i am a five year old and when i ask my parents why i cannot do something, the only response i get is "because". i am moving on though.. i said my piece to the faculty and to the program director and now i'm just going to roll with it. Infected Mushroom will play again and i will have an amazing time i'm sure in Bangalore anyway..

in other news:
we had a kickass halloween party on saturday night. some of the costumes included: Bob Ross(TV- painter guy), a bunch of grapes, Jasmine from Aladdin, a bird, Shiva (Nealy painted herself blue. no joke.), and a flower garden (me). we had a "five elements dance class"- during which, at the end of the class, breaking the golden silence, i let out a huge fart. and then crystal and i preceded to laugh for five hours straight..

this friday we leave for a three week trip to thiru, bangalore, and hampi. in hampi we will go to an island called ecodaya, where we will do our 2-3 day solos.

the solo will be tough for sure- no food and total solitude (leavin' the i-pods and discmans at home..), but it is definitely what i am looking forward to the most. there will be waterfalls, preserved wildlife sanctuaries/habitats, and plenty of time to do my own thing. i'm ready.

if i don't get to talk to everyone before i leave- i love you and hope to talk to you when i return!

if you can't make a straight kolam you will never marry an indian.

note to self: do not light fireworks that come in a box with the Hulk printed on the front.

since sunday all i've heard is fireworks going off for diwali (or deepavali/the "festival of lights"). i'm not even exaggerating. the fireworks started sunday night after we stuffed ourselves with pizza at martin's "pimped out" house, woke me up monday morning at 6 A.M., were part of our celebration last night back at the guest house, AND our night watchmen (kalai and nanda) continued to set them off this morning in our yard.

i thought they would have ended last night when we had a close call with those Hulk fireworks. now me.. i am personally afraid to light sparklers. our friend steven from north carolina, however, is a different breed of firework enthusiast. last night he lit up a Hulk firework, whose fuse lit up quicker than everyone expected and threw it a little too late- leaving a small burn on his middle finger and his cheek. oi veigh. steven is perfectly fine- they are very minor burns, but for a second everyone thought they were permanently deaf and that the dining room was exploding...

to further celebrate diwali, i learned the basics of making kolams last night from an older tamil woman. kolams are line drawings painted with rice or granite powder. they are not being taught as much anymore, but you still see many ladies in south india making them outside their front doors. they are supposed to bring prosperity and good luck to a household. some designs are based on astrology- there are designs for each planet- and some are made for certain gods, such as shiva and vishnu. according to our teacher, people used to judge a woman to a certain degree by how well she could make a kolam. thick, messy lines = this woman is not economically thrifty and will spend all your cash. thin/broken lines = hell no. straight/even lines = wife material obviously.
i'm working on my lines, but it's not looking too promising..

in other news- our yoga session today was one of the more interesting ones..
one of our instructors, soma, teaches an incredibly unique style of yoga that combines very fluid motions with stronger, more rigid poses. with that said, today we were introduced to some rather interesting poses. one of them was the lion pose and if i showed anyone at home i'm sure they would nearly die from laughing so hard. you tuck your feet under your bum, plant your hands in front of you (leaning forward slightly), and then cross your eyes and stick out your tongue as far as you can. then you breathe in and let out a strong breath that i guess sounds like a roar of sorts.
it took me about five minutes to stop laughing and actually try the pose. some people just looked at soma in disbelief and then watched as we all made faces that would definitely scare small children and people who watched the exorcist too much away.

gorgeous, no?

not going to lie- i eventually tried it. maybe one day i'll be able to do it with a straight face and feel the strength in my lungs that it is supposed to provide?